The CDC estimates more than 107,000 people died of a drug overdose in the 12-month period ending August 2022.
These are staggering numbers but when someone you love dies from an overdose, it is no longer just a statistic.
It becomes very personal.
My 25-year-old son Kevin died in 2015 from an accidental overdose.
I couldn’t tell people he died without the person asking me questions.
Kevin and Susan in 2009, college move-in day
From the bereaved family’s perspective, it feels like anyone who asks “What happened?” wants to leapfrog over the fact their loved one just died.
Stigma complicates grief and adds to isolation. At a time when families need the most support, they end up suffering in silence for fear of judgment.
I write about my personal struggle with this stigma and what I went through to heal in my memoirLife After Kevin.
If there is one thing I’d want people to take away from my own journey, it is this:
Shame is the emotion we feel due to the stigma surrounding how a person dies. Shame keeps families suffering in silence.
In light of Overdose Awareness, and all those who have lost someone this way, I’m offering my own suggestions of the do’s and don’ts when you know someone who has experienced the death of a loved one from an overdose.
What NOT to do:
If the causeof death isn’t made known, that’s intentional. Do not ask probing questions about the cause of death or what happened.
Never begin a sentence with “At least” or “You should”. At least you have other children, At least he had 25 beautiful years, You should keep busy, You should be past this by now…
Don’t judge the situation or family. Period.
What TO do:
When someone tells you their loved one died, give them your condolences and PAUSE. Hold the space by expressing your sympathy and compassion. Let them know you are there for them.
Respect the family’s right to privately come to terms with their circumstances. If they want to talk, just listen.
If youknew the person who died, consider sharing verbally or writing out a memory or favorite quality about them.
When we think in terms of “good” and “bad” ways to die, we inadvertently minimize the value of the person’s life. Let’s give the families our support by rethinking our responses.
I often hear people say they find it harder to train their puppy when they reach about six months old.
Six months is around the time when the puppy is pretty close to adult size, stronger and impulsive.
I’ve heard it many times “My six-month-old puppy acts like she’s forgotten most of what I’ve taught her the past few months!”
“That is really common for this age,” I’ll say reassuringly and follow up with a pep talk reminding them to “be consistent and don’t take it personally”. In other words, their puppy is becoming a teenager.
They look at me, suddenly deflated upon hearing the “teenager” reference. I will then ask them to remember why they got a puppy in the first place.
What was the motivation that made you want to get a dog?
For some, it’s the beloved memory of a dog from their childhood. For others, it’s for companionship. Some want their kids to grow up with a dog.
These were my reasons for wanting a dog when I became an adult.
I grew up twenty minutes outside of Boston, in Burlington, Massachusetts. Back in the ‘70s, it was a small town whose biggest attraction was the Burlington Mall. The town has since exploded with office buildings, restaurants and people but there is, however, a jewel in the south end of town that is still protected called Mary Cummings Park.
In the 1930s, Mary P. C. Cummings donated a 216-acre parcel of land to the city of Boston (and funds to maintain it) located in Burlington and Woburn, MA. When I was a kid, I would accompany my dad and our young golden retriever, Barney, to Cummings Park to teach Barney how to work the cover to flush wild pheasants.
Fun fact: My dad and Barney were in Yankee Golden Retriever Club’s field classes in the late 70s and because of what he shared with me as a kid, I took YGRC’s field classes with my first dog in the mid-90s and became hooked on the sport. It has come full circle as I am now one of the co-instructors for YGRC’s 2022 field classes!
According to my dad, there was a sponsored program for kids to grow vegetable gardens in the summer. When autumn came, the corn that wasn’t picked became great feed for the animals. Dad would point out the deer and fox tracks in the mud and we’d often come across large circles of grass that had been flattened from deer bedding down. Those walks with my dad and Barney made the nature around me come to life.
Fast forward to when I became a mother, I wanted my own kids to have a love of nature and fond memories of their childhood dogs. My kids were six and four years old, so too young to take the brunt of the training that had to be done when our first puppy came home in 1995. I knew the responsibility of our puppy, Bailey, would fall upon me.
Was it a lot? Sure. Raising two young boys and a puppy at the same time was sometimes frustrating. The puppy grew much faster and weighed more than both of them by the puppy’s first birthday. I was also teaching my kids how to be around the puppy and give basic commands.
Because the dogs were both well trained, they could come with us on nature hikes.
We eventually got another dog, Luxa, who became Kevin’s favorite. Kevin, Luxa and Bailey Pack Monadnock 2003
Today, I find my motivation still goes back to my love of walking in nature together in the fields and the woods as I did as a kid. I want to be able to have my dog trained and socialized so I can enjoy my dog to the fullest. Somehow sharing the walk with another being who appreciates their surroundings as much as I do makes the walk even better.
Exploring the reason you wanted to get a dog in the first place can be fuel to draw upon when you are lacking in motivation during your puppy’s all-important first year. Puppy training isn’t linear, it can be two steps forward one step backward. Remember, it’s during the first year when you are providing the social and emotional framework to help create a bond between you and your dog that you will cherish for years to come.
Susan Lynch is a former competitive dog trainer who has been training, competing and volunteering with her Golden Retrievers since 1995. In 2020, she founded Life with Rune, a Facebook community that documents the socializing and training of her own puppy Rune. In 2021, she was awarded the Rachel Page Elliot Lifetime Achievement award by the Golden Retriever Club of America. Her memoir Life After Kevin:A Mother’s Search for Peace and the Golden Retrievers that Led the Way is available here. To learn more, visit: www.susan-lynch.com.
For socializing ideas and training tips go to the Life with Rune Facebook groupand click on the Guides tab at the top of the home page.
Five years after my son Kevin died, I decided to write my story in Life After Kevin: A Mother’s Search for Peace and the Golden Retrievers that Led the Way. I wanted to share what I’d learned in hopes that it could help someone else on a similar path or give someone insight to child loss by overdose.
My specific intentions for writing it were to:
Help others who have experienced complicated grief.
Give hope by illustrating the relationship I continue to have with my son.
Showcase the supporting role my dogs played in my healing.
Right after Kevin died in 2015, I was slogging through my grief. I had no interest in the things I did before he died and mostly just spent my time trying to figure out how I was going to live in a world without him in it.
Most people who have grieved a loved one know that grief has a way of slowing life down and lining up priorities. After Kevin died, I was thrust into that slow pace and my two Golden Retrievers, Manny and Tripp, stayed by my side constantly.
One of the few reasons I would even leave my house was to take them for a walk in the woods. Every day the three of us would walk silently along the trails. In my life, before Kevin died, I had always loved walking in nature, but I was also busy with life and would be in more of a hurry to check it off my to-do list.
During the grief walks, I was moving slowly. Of course, it wasn’t intentional, my grief weighed on me like a lead blanket, forcing me to slow down.
I stopped when Manny and Tripp stopped. I watched them sniff plants and dried pine needles. I’d be walking behind them and they’d turn to check on me, making sure I was still with them. I would hear the water moving in the stream, the birds chirping, the leaves rustling. I looked where they were looking to see what they were seeing.
During these walks, I would have brief moments of feeling calm. I simply walked and observed with my senses. At first, this slow observation practice got me out of my head for short moments and then, they gradually became longer. Looking back now, I can see that I was doing my own version of a walking meditation guided by my dogs.
From the day I learned Kevin had died, my dogs knew there was something wrong. I knew this to be true because their behavior reflected mine. They had both been used to training and exercising 5-6 days per week, but right away they had read my energy and they too became subdued, gentle, and quiet. They spent their days lying alongside me and coming right to me when I’d start sobbing. The fact that they were able to understand my feelings and support me in a way I needed was, and still is, remarkable to me.
My dogs got me thinking… if they were able to use their senses to understand and communicate with me, then maybe I could connect on some level with Kevin?
What started out as a time to sit with my thoughts and cry in Kevin’s bedroom became so much more. It was during that quiet time of inward contemplation when I started to gain insight into my grief, to connect with Kevin on a spiritual level, and begin the process of healing.
Ultimately it was the relationship with Manny and Tripp that taught me what the first step of my healing journey was. In the beginning, alI I could see was darkness, but they showed me that we don’t necessarily need words to connect.
Through our other senses, we have access to the undeniable, energetic bond that we have with anything we love. It was the bond between a human and two canines that spotlighted the capability of having deep, meaningful relationships where we learn to communicate in a different way.
Susan Lynch is a former competitive dog trainer who has been training, competing and volunteering with her Golden Retrievers since 1995. In 2020, she founded Life with Rune, a Facebook community that documents the socializing and training of her own puppy Rune. In 2021, she was awarded the Rachel Page Elliot Lifetime Achievement award by the Golden Retriever Club of America. Her memoir Life After Kevin:A Mother’s Search for Peace and the Golden Retrievers that Led the Way is available here. To learn more, visit: www.susan-lynch.com.
For socializing ideas and training tips go to the Life with Rune Facebook groupand click on the Guides tab at the top of the home page.
I spent most of last year writing my memoir and it is now just nine months away from being released!
The first draft of the manuscript has just gone through the beta reader process and as a result one of the things I’ve decided to tweak is the title. The previous title was: Following Their Lead: A Mother’s Grief and the Dogs that Saved Her. When I finished writing the manuscript I realized that although my dogs played a critical role in my story, they weren’t the entire story. I needed a new title and subtitle that was more directly aligned with the book. What came to me was how I refer to time periods in my life as “before Kevin died and after Kevin died”. Since this story mostly takes place after my son Kevin died and the fact my Golden Retrievers, Manny and Tripp had such a large role in my healing process, I decided to rename the book:
Life After Kevin: A Mother’s Search for Peace and the Golden Retrievers that Led the Way
This is my memoir that tells of how I ultimately find peace after my 25-year-old son Kevin’s death from an accidental overdose in 2015. The sequence of events and truths I learned after he died were the compelling factors that guided me to write my experiences down. I knew what I was going through was relatable and if I could help someone with my story, it would give Kevin’s death meaning. Woven throughout the book is the portrayal of the special relationship my dogs and I shared and how they supported me every step of the way.
I knew I had a powerful story but I also knew I needed guidance on how to make it into a powerful book. In January of 2021, I decided to hire a writing guide, Ally Berthiaume𑁋the owner of The Write Place, Right Time. Ally was the exact right person to help me craft my story in a way that was more compelling and inspiring than I knew how to do on my own. She guided me through all of last year and by December I had written 14 chapters and an epilogue, completing the manuscript!
Life After Kevin is a tell-all memoir that spans the five years after his death in 2015 and ends in 2020 with the start of Life with Rune. It balances hard topics such as stigma over how a person dies with the beautiful connection I continue to have with Kevin and the signs he sends me.
This is an inspiring story that will leave you with feelings of connection and hope. It will make you cry but it will also make you laugh and will surely touch the heart of anyone who has loved a dog.
Here is the 2022 timeline for the final steps to the publication of Life After Kevin:
January𑁋February: review beta reader’s input, polish/edits of manuscript, add a book page with more details to my website
March: Handoff the manuscript to the publisher
April: Book cover design
July: Available for preorder!
October 3rd: Book available in paperback and ebook format on Amazon and in bookstores!
Susan Lynch is a former competitive dog trainer who has been training, competing and volunteering with her Golden Retrievers since 1995. In 2020, she founded Life with Rune, a Facebook community that documents the socializing and training of her own puppy Rune. In 2021, she was awarded the Rachel Page Elliot Lifetime Achievement award by the Golden Retriever Club of America. Her memoir Life After Kevin:A Mother’s Search for Peace and the Golden Retrievers that Led the Way is available here. To learn more, visit: www.susan-lynch.com.
For socializing ideas and training tips go to the Life with Rune Facebook groupand click on the Guides tab at the top of the home page.
On this day six years ago my son Kevin passed away. Ever since, I’ve been committed to learning how to continue our relationship –albeit in a different way.
I was receiving some undeniable signs from Kevin but I wanted to hear more. I needed validation that signs from the deceased were even possible. Could we still be connected or was it wishful thinking on my part?
I mean it felt like him.
The signs that I had received were either funny (just like him), or as an answer to a question I asked him, or just a perfectly timed hello. Like the day I was alone talking to him while setting up the Christmas tree.
I had felt him give me a nudge to set up the tree for him. After the tree was all set up, I stood looking at it and got the urge to check the attic for more ornaments. It seemed like there were some missing.
I went up to the attic but couldn’t find another box. I can’t explain why but I opened the box marked Christmas wrapping paper. Surely there wouldn’t be any ornaments inside with the paper and ribbons.
Yet, sitting on top of the rolls of paper was the penguin ornament Kevin had given me when he was a teenager. The penguin was waving, standing on a cloud, with a small red jingle bell hanging off it. Inside the cloud, it said Merry Christmas, Mom! (See photo of the Kevin Tree).
I felt all those urges from him guiding me with little bread crumbs so I could find that ornament wishing me a Merry Christmas. Our first Christmas without him.
Fast forward a couple of years when I became involved with Helping Parents Heal, a support group for parents who have had a child or children pass. They openly discussed the afterlife and signs from our kids.
At one of the meetings, they had a spiritual medium as a guest speaker to give the audience a better idea of what they do. She referred to loved ones in spirit as being on the other side of the veil. She said “Even though we are unable to see them like we used to, their energy is still around us. Love never dies.”
I was ready. I did some research and booked a reading.
While my intent is not to try and convince anyone to seek out a medium, I’d like to share one of my experiences that proved to me that, without a doubt, Kevin is around me and listening.
Most mediums will tell you that our loved ones who have crossed can hear us when we talk to them and not to worry, they are not too busy to reply! They respond to us in a way we can understand if we slow down enough to notice what snags our attention.
In those early days of grief after Kevin died, it was my dogs Manny and Tripp who were the only ones who were able to reach me. They were the ones who showed me how to move forward which is explained in more detail in my upcoming memoir: Life After Kevin: A Mother’s Search for Peace and the Golden Retrievers that Led the Way coming out in 2022.
It was two years after Kevin’s passing when I had to make the agonizing decision to have Tripp euthanized. He was in renal failure at six years old and he was letting me know it was time to say goodbye.
I sat on the floor of the vet office and held his head in my lap and stroked his head. I started talking to Kevin out loud asking him to promise me he would welcome Tripp and take care of him until I got there.
I said, “Kev, please send me a sign letting me know he’s safe with you.”
Tripp was six years old when he died.
He took his last breath in my arms and I heard myself saying out loud. “Please send me a… a daisy. A daisy to let me know you have him.”
The idea for the daisy seemed to come out of nowhere. It just popped into my head.
It was the middle of winter and I thought “Where am I gonna see a daisy?”
A few days later I reminded Kevin about the daisy and I was looking forward to hearing from him. That afternoon I picked up a book I had been reading and the last line of the chapter was “Whoops a daisy!”.
Every day for a week I got a daisy as a sign. The last daisy I received was on the front of the sympathy card my veterinarian sent me.
I had booked a reading with a medium named Tina several months before Tripp had died and it happened to be scheduled shortly after he passed. The night before the reading I sat alone in my room and asked Kevin out loud to please bring Tripp when he showed up for the reading with Tina.
“Kev, make sure you bring Tripp. Please don’t forget.”
I was really pressing the issue and realized I needed to make sure Kevin knew I wanted him there too.
I laughed and said, “Kev, it goes without saying that I want you to show up too!”
I had this conversation right before I turned the light out and went to sleep. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my husband about our “conversation.”
Here are some of the specific lines from the reading I had with Tina the very next day (which I have in a recording):
“Do you know why… I know this sounds really wild, but do you know why daisies are important? They are showing me a field of daisies.”
“You have a lot of animal energy around you and you have a child showing me the daisies as a conformation to something.”
“You talk to your son all the time. You have an ongoing communication that you are really trusting.”
“What is with the daisies?! He’s showing me daisies again.”
“He’s laughing, he’s saying you almost miss the dog more than him right now. He says there is some truth to this statement and you were hoping an animal would come through today. Trust me, this does not happen in every reading!”
“He’s laughing,” she says and cups her hands like she’s holding a megaphone and says, ‘He says he’s got the dog!’”
While some may think I might have been offended by her relaying missing the dog more than my son, the fact was I did feel a little guilty that I had come across that way when talking to Kevin the night before. It would be just like him to call me out on it and make a joke of it.
I felt so light and peaceful afterward. That reading validated what I already knew which was that I am being heard and he does respond with signs.
To honor Kevin I created a Kevin Tree that is on display 365 days per year in my kitchen, the heart of my home. I’ve placed items that were special to him, some that represent moments we’ve shared together and special items that represent some of the incredible signs he has given me over the years. It is a living testament to the relationship we continue to share and a reminder that love never dies.
The Kevin Tree
Susan Lynch is a former competitive dog trainer who has been training, competing and volunteering with her Golden Retrievers since 1995. In 2020, she founded Life with Rune, a Facebook community that documents the socializing and training of her own puppy Rune. In 2021, she was awarded the Rachel Page Elliot Lifetime Achievement award by the Golden Retriever Club of America. Her memoir Life After Kevin:A Mother’s Search for Peace and the Golden Retrievers that Led the Way is available here. To learn more, visit: www.susan-lynch.com.
For socializing ideas and training tips go to the Life with Rune Facebook groupand click on the Guides tab at the top of the home page.
