laughter and grief – Susan Lynch

So often we find expressing condolences challenging, especially to the newly bereaved. We want to say something that will help but we are at a loss for what to say. We worry that we will make things worse.

I hear it all the time…I didn’t want to bring him up because I didn’t want to remind you.

Here is an important thing to remember … anyone newly bereaved is pretty much always thinking of their deceased loved one. You don’t have to worry because it’s impossible to “remind” them!

What gave me solace after my son Kevin died, were the stories that friends and family shared about him. Even if it was just a couple of sentences in a card. It felt comforting to know people would remember him for his friendliness and sense of humor. In my memoir, there is a scene where a friend tells Matthew (Kevin’s brother) a story that has him laughing out loud. We were among a crowd and although I couldn’t see Matthew, I heard him laugh from across the room. I remember thinking someone must have told him a funny story about Kevin.

Not sure how to go about it? Try starting the sentence with “My favorite memory of (insert name) is…”

Focus on the positive.

Think of a character trait of the deceased that touched you. Were they thoughtful, generous, friendly, or funny? Maybe they were passionate about playing cards on Friday nights. Maybe they loved fishing or had a signature dish they made every Christmas that you looked forward to.
Whatever reminds you of the deceased can help you choose the story to tell.

However mundane it might sound to you, chances are, it will mean so much to the person grieving.

An experience I had with someone who reached out years later…

Recently, a friend of Kevin’s (who I’ve never met) messaged me on Facebook. She wrote to tell me she had found herself hanging out with Paul Simon’s daughter the night before (Wowza I know!). She went on to say that when she got home all she wanted to do was tell Kevin about it, imagining all the funny things he might have said. Instead, she reached out and shared it with me to let me know she was missing and thinking about him.

I responded by thanking her for reaching out, saying how much he and I both loved to dance to Paul Simon when he was little. She went on to say “He had great taste in music. We went to a music festival with him once and ended up losing track of him many times over the weekend because he was always in the crowd making friends with a few hundred people! He never met a stranger, that’s for sure.”

This actually made me laugh out loud because that was so like Kevin! I could just picture him falling behind because he was chatting it up with strangers.

I proceeded to share my story of “losing” Kevin when he was young.

When Kevin was about 10 years old we went to watch his brother’s middle school wrestling tournament in Lawrence, MA. It was in a huge gym with about 100 kids from area schools. His brother was wrestling, Kevin was watching the matches, my husband was assisting as a coach, and I was in the bleachers. Time goes by and I realize I haven’t seen Kevin in a while so I climb up to the top of the bleachers to have a better vantage point. I spot him. Here he comes, one foot in front of the other, gliding past the bleachers like a statue on wheels. I zip down the bleachers and am ready to give him an earful for not checking in sooner but I get distracted when I see he is wearing a pair of Heelys (Kevin didn’t own a pair of Heelys).

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Kev, whose Heelys are those?

Kevin: Some kid I met.

Me: Where are your sneakers?

Kevin: (looking around) Ummmmm???

Me: How did you get someone you don’t know to lend you his Heelys?

Kevin: (shoulder shrug) I don’t know, you know how you just get talking to someone?

Kevin returned the Heelys to the kid but since he was all over the gym it was hard to remember exactly where he took his sneakers off…

Leaving the tournament on that snowy February afternoon, I remember Tom giving shoeless Kevin a piggyback to the car.

The whole exchange left us both feeling grateful to have connected with each of us having a new story to treasure.

On this day six years ago my son Kevin passed away. Ever since, I’ve been committed to learning how to continue our relationship –albeit in a different way.

I was receiving some undeniable signs from Kevin but I wanted to hear more. I needed validation that signs from the deceased were even possible. Could we still be connected or was it wishful thinking on my part?

I mean it felt like him.

The signs that I had received were either funny (just like him), or as an answer to a question I asked him, or just a perfectly timed hello. Like the day I was alone talking to him while setting up the Christmas tree.

I had felt him give me a nudge to set up the tree for him. After the tree was all set up, I stood looking at it and got the urge to check the attic for more ornaments. It seemed like there were some missing.

I went up to the attic but couldn’t find another box. I can’t explain why but I opened the box marked Christmas wrapping paper. Surely there wouldn’t be any ornaments inside with the paper and ribbons.

Yet, sitting on top of the rolls of paper was the penguin ornament Kevin had given me when he was a teenager. The penguin was waving, standing on a cloud, with a small red jingle bell hanging off it. Inside the cloud, it said Merry Christmas, Mom! (See photo of the Kevin Tree).

I felt all those urges from him guiding me with little bread crumbs so I could find that ornament wishing me a Merry Christmas. Our first Christmas without him.

Fast forward a couple of years when I became involved with Helping Parents Heal, a support group for parents who have had a child or children pass. They openly discussed the afterlife and signs from our kids.

At one of the meetings, they had a spiritual medium as a guest speaker to give the audience a better idea of what they do. She referred to loved ones in spirit as being on the other side of the veil. She said “Even though we are unable to see them like we used to, their energy is still around us. Love never dies.”

I was ready. I did some research and booked a reading.

While my intent is not to try and convince anyone to seek out a medium, I’d like to share one of my experiences that proved to me that, without a doubt, Kevin is around me and listening.

Most mediums will tell you that our loved ones who have crossed can hear us when we talk to them and not to worry, they are not too busy to reply! They respond to us in a way we can understand if we slow down enough to notice what snags our attention.

In those early days of grief after Kevin died, it was my dogs Manny and Tripp who were the only ones who were able to reach me. They were the ones who showed me how to move forward which is explained in more detail in my upcoming memoir: Life After Kevin: A Mother’s Search for Peace and the Golden Retrievers that Led the Way coming out in 2022.

It was two years after Kevin’s passing when I had to make the agonizing decision to have Tripp euthanized. He was in renal failure at six years old and he was letting me know it was time to say goodbye.

I sat on the floor of the vet office and held his head in my lap and stroked his head. I started talking to Kevin out loud asking him to promise me he would welcome Tripp and take care of him until I got there.

I said, “Kev, please send me a sign letting me know he’s safe with you.”

Tripp was six years old when he died.

He took his last breath in my arms and I heard myself saying out loud. “Please send me a… a daisy. A daisy to let me know you have him.”

The idea for the daisy seemed to come out of nowhere. It just popped into my head.

It was the middle of winter and I thought “Where am I gonna see a daisy?”

A few days later I reminded Kevin about the daisy and I was looking forward to hearing from him. That afternoon I picked up a book I had been reading and the last line of the chapter was “Whoops a daisy!”.

Every day for a week I got a daisy as a sign. The last daisy I received was on the front of the sympathy card my veterinarian sent me.

I had booked a reading with a medium named Tina several months before Tripp had died and it happened to be scheduled shortly after he passed. The night before the reading I sat alone in my room and asked Kevin out loud to please bring Tripp when he showed up for the reading with Tina.

“Kev, make sure you bring Tripp. Please don’t forget.”

I was really pressing the issue and realized I needed to make sure Kevin knew I wanted him there too.

I laughed and said, “Kev, it goes without saying that I want you to show up too!”

I had this conversation right before I turned the light out and went to sleep. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my husband about our “conversation.”

Here are some of the specific lines from the reading I had with Tina the very next day (which I have in a recording):

“Do you know why… I know this sounds really wild, but do you know why daisies are important? They are showing me a field of daisies.”

“You have a lot of animal energy around you and you have a child showing me the daisies as a conformation to something.”

“You talk to your son all the time. You have an ongoing communication that you are really trusting.”

“What is with the daisies?! He’s showing me daisies again.”

“He’s laughing, he’s saying you almost miss the dog more than him right now. He says there is some truth to this statement and you were hoping an animal would come through today. Trust me, this does not happen in every reading!”

“He’s laughing,” she says and cups her hands like she’s holding a megaphone and says, ‘He says he’s got the dog!’”

While some may think I might have been offended by her relaying missing the dog more than my son, the fact was I did feel a little guilty that I had come across that way when talking to Kevin the night before. It would be just like him to call me out on it and make a joke of it.

I felt so light and peaceful afterward. That reading validated what I already knew which was that I am being heard and he does respond with signs.

To honor Kevin I created a Kevin Tree that is on display 365 days per year in my kitchen, the heart of my home. I’ve placed items that were special to him, some that represent moments we’ve shared together and special items that represent some of the incredible signs he has given me over the years. It is a living testament to the relationship we continue to share and a reminder that love never dies.

Susan Lynch is a former competitive dog trainer who has been training, competing and volunteering with her Golden Retrievers since 1995. In 2020, she founded Life with Rune, a Facebook community that documents the socializing and training of her own puppy Rune. In 2021, she was awarded the Rachel Page Elliot Lifetime Achievement award by the Golden Retriever Club of America. Her memoir Life After Kevin: A Mother’s Search for Peace and the Golden Retrievers that Led the Way is available here . To learn more, visit: www.susan-lynch.com.

For socializing ideas and training tips go to the Life with Rune Facebook group and click on the Guides tab at the top of the home page.

Tag: laughter and grief

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